It is not about modesty. Please don\’t take it wrong. I am not that humble (I wish!)
I just don\’t want the responsibility. Shinning is way too much work! You have to create a subject that lives that verb! An identity that experiences the spotlight. And this subject/persona has to be coherent to whatever thoughts and words it said to keep on shinning. You have to have a compromise with ideas and behaviours. You have to be predictable in that commitment.
I really don\’t want that responsibility. I really don\’t care about paying that price. I don\’t want to live pleasing that identity and terrified if someone discovers I am not really only \”that\”.
Hence I run away from talking about loud some of my views about life and why or how I live the way I live.
But then, I know that many people, especially women, don\’t know they can live the way they really want to live.
I believe I\’ve come to live a very good life, full of love and freedom. And even though I don\’t think there is a recipe for this, I also think that there might be ideas that can help whoever is reading this to see things in another way.
Volunteers, not martyrs.
We are all tied up in many things. Relations, properties, jobs, beliefs, comfort ideas, fears, and many more things will grant that you are meant to be the one identity you believe yourself to be: The responsible one. The one that stays that pleases and is there, no matter what. The martyr.
But let\’s be honest, in this play that life seems to be at times there are no martyrs, only volunteers.
We volunteer for these roles and believe that we are their slaves. We are not.
We are what we are doing and living right now. If you think you are not it, it may be a good idea to start looking within and do as Socrates preached: Know Thyself.
I raised five children from four different fathers. Mostly all the time, they stayed with me. Sometimes they didn\’t.
I really thought I didn\’t want to be a mother. I created a whole drama thinking this. I suffered a lot, imagining that I was the slave of my situation. I wasn\’t. It made me feel terribly guilty to think I did not like being a mother, hence, I thought I was a bad mother.
I was a good mother, and I enjoyed it. Very much actually. My kids didn\’t have the most comfortable or normal life or the happiest for that matter, but they had love, freedom and were taught to question and think creatively. And now live pretty satisfying lives as adults.
I enjoyed being a mother, but I guess I enjoyed more the identity of the martyr raising five children by herself.
I was a volunteer. As hard as it may sound, if I really didn\’t want to be there for them, I could have done many things. And I did, in fact.
I worked as a tour guide; thus, I left them in the care of different people quite often. Sometimes for long periods. Sometimes, I was too depressed to care after them; but I never lost contact, ever. I was never indifferent to their needs or wellness. I wanted to be their mother, and I was.
I was a volunteer to be a responsible loving mother.
My whole drama came from believing that I was a martyr. Because I thought I wanted to be a travelling adventurer.
The interesting thing is that now, I have that identity: The persona I wanted to be for many years.
So, bear with me, volunteering mothers of the World!
I created it actually. 🙂
We can create a new identity whenever the hell we want! Simply because we want to. Period.
We create identities with each thought. We believe we are what we believe others think about us. We believe we have to be \”that\” or \”this\”. We take our beliefs and turn them into our army and navy and allow them to defend this created identity we believe we are.
The fact is that we can be whoever we want to be. And don\’t even need the beliefs to defend that identity. Identities are passing shadows, none… NONE cares enough to look at your identity even with mild interest.
If you are interested in this article about my identity is simply because of what it can say to you. It is interesting as a mirror of what you think you believe. Not because my life is important to you… And this includes, yes, my friends and families as readers.
We are walking mirrors and we spend our lives looking at mirrors.
Your \”identity\”, the image you have about yourself, is ONLY important for you.
And as we can\’t help but having an identity while we believe in time/space, I created this persona that is very useful to what I want to live for the next few years: O.
O. is an identity created to fly. As lightly as possible, as easy as can be.
O. is the result of questioning an infinite load of thoughts, intense emotions, and fierce sensations.
As O. I am a free-flying feather, nomad, a writer, a mother, a friend, a lover, a slave, a dictator, a painter, a bohemian, a stand-up comedian, a slut, a poet, a dreamer, a teacher, a sexy snake, a water drop, a romance online, a leaf on a tree, the calcium cycle and a moving picture.
So, for now, I chose to be simply O. An O that looks like a zero. The dot goes wherever I please to put it if I want to put it.
Right now, I have no history. No place to live. No direction. I am a feather flying in a storm. Or what looks like a storm.
Ever the Wanderer
That is the one trait that has remained, from one identity to the next: The wanderer.
So, this time I decided to embrace it fully and live my wandering in Peace.
I was always a wanderer. I did it when I was a very small child. I would start walking, and walking… and get lost in the feeling of wandering by myself. Wandering was my escape, my route out of everything.
I tried very hard throughout life not to be a wanderer. I anchored myself with as many responsibilities as I could. Still wandered my way out of them.
Never mind how good or bad is a place, a lover or a situation, I will wander out of it. And I may come back, like a wave, to go away again.
I am not sedentary. I am not permanent. I am a wanderer.
Yet, I\’ve managed to keep quite constant relations for decades. I have strong bonds with my children and friends. But they all know I will disappear from time to time. They love and accept that in me. They know my love cannot be tied up.
I let myself wander through life now. It is the verb I am playing. It is uncertain and it can surely be uncomfortable but I am fascinated by it.
There may be a day in my future where I will stop wandering and get a permanent house, a vase to go with it and a lifestyle that requires the personality of a more permanent person. This is not the time.
I am a wanderer. I am free.
That is what this blog is about. That is what my life now is about.
I don\’t care if you believe what I say. And I am not saying is the best way to live or the happiest. But in the square foot that I live on, is the one that I like the most.
What is yours? Are you living it?
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